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Lifestyle : When sex hurts and what to do about it



They said there was nothing wrong with me. Gynecologists. Gastroenterologists. Even a lung specialist. They ran tests — CAT scans, X-ray’s, blood labs, you name it — to rule out tumors so big as to cause severe pelvic pain during sex.

This was the route I — and thousands of women — go through to find an explanation as to why sex hurts. Why we feel tight and shut down with a person we love. Why we can’t find sexual pleasure (or orgasm).

Each test and positive affirmation that there was nothing wrong with me sent me further down the spiral. I wished — hoped, prayed — that there was something wrong with me. Because that something could counter what was dominating my mind: that I was broken as a woman.

Painful sex didn’t just ruin my sex life, it ruined my marriage and my life.
I avoided touch that I craved (long after my marriage ended), in fear that it would lead to “more” — and more I could not do. Feeling alone and ashamed, I pulled back — first from my husband, then from any potential sexual partners. I stuffed my emotions, disappointment and anger, instead channeled my energy to shopping, cooking and baking (and the eating that followed).

Most of all, I felt that my body for betraying me, failing to perform when I needed it to. So I had disconnected from it. I had pushed it away.

Little did I know that I was actually betraying my body.

Somewhere along the journey of being the wife I was supposed to be — the woman who pleases and is a pleasure to her husband — I had lost connection to myself.

I had stopped listening

I had stopped listening to my body: what it wanted, what it needed, what it found pleasurable. Too often, I choose what he wanted, going at his pace. I felt less-than-courageous to ask to slow down, pay attention, give me the kind of touch that would arouse, stimulate, turn on.

I had stopped listening to my emotions. The resentment, sadness and disappointment I felt about sex being oriented towards his orgasm — I took a deep inhale, and I stuffed it all in.

Those emotions were telling me that something was wrong, uneven, unsatisfying, but I ignored the message. I packed the emotions in, growing more wound up inside, building up the tightness in my body that then created pain.

And lastly, I had stopped listening to my intuition, what I knew was true for me within.

My body wasn’t betraying me. I was betraying my body. I was betraying myself.

The wake up call came when I realized I wasn’t dealing with a medical problem — but a spiritual one.

Fast forward to today. This experience — and the beautiful journey of sexual discovery and opening that followed — led me to become an intimacy and sexuality coach and focus on women’s sexuality.

What I thought was uncommon as a newlywed, I now know is in fact very common for women. Too common.

As many as one out of three women experience painful sex. From mild discomfort to excruciating pain, tightness and pelvic pain during sex prevents women from enjoying themselves and their partners
and it affects their lives.

In my coaching practice, I hear women share, sometimes through tears, other times in bouts of anger:

“I question if this pain means that I don’t deserve pleasure.”

“What if I am not meant to be a sexual person?”

“I feel so alone and lost.”

“Why is my body doing this to me?!”

“I want to be with my husband, and my body is betraying me.”

When sex hurts, it truly feels like the body is betraying us, holding us back, letting us down.

Pain during sex not only ruins the moment, it can have deeper consequences: fear of sex, lowered libido, and overall disconnect or loss of intimacy in a relationship.

When my clients come to me, this is what I tell them: Pain is your body’s way of signaling that something is wrong. And it’s your job to slow down and tune into what your body is telling you — and to heed its needs.

It’s not merely physical. And it’s not purely in your head either.
It’s both.

The bad news is that we often train ourselves to close off to pleasure (creating tightness) with our thought, beliefs and actions. Our bodies react to our emotions and state of mind by tightening up, leading to uncomfortable experiences, which then evoke more negative emotions and self-talk.

The good news is that with some help, we can rewire our bodies to open up to pleasure, both physically and emotionally.

In my private practice as a women’s sexuality coach, I work with women who experience discomfort and pain during intercourse (and therefore cannot enjoy their sex life).

To help understand what’s happening “down there,” I am going to break down the most common psychosomatic reasons that contribute to painful sex and how to rewire your body to pleasure.

1. Tune into your body and listen

Our bodies speak in whispers and nudges, sometimes too softly to hear over the loud negative voices in our heads.

They signal what they need and what’s not right for us. Yet we are taught to disregard the body’s messaging system, overriding it with “but it’s not that bad”.

For most women, painful sex doesn’t come out of anywhere. There is a progression.

Many women lose their natural lubrication when the sex they’re having is less than what their body needs, resorting to lube as a substitute. The use of lube, while helpful as a complement to natural lubrication, can often mask an underlying problem — that the body is not ready for intercourse.

It takes much longer for women to get ready, requiring much more physical stimulation all over the body and meticulous attention from her partner than most men (and women) realize.

And in today’s way of life, most women are running on empty, when it comes to pleasure, relaxation and space. Our bodies cannot afford a bout of intercourse because it might actually leave us emptier than we started with.
When a woman dials in to what her body needs — and fills up on receiving what feels good to her — she quickly begins to see greater physical responsiveness.

2.Pay attention to what you’re feeling and telling yourself

When you experience pain in this tender and vulnerable area of your life, self-doubt, fears and self-judgement will undoubtedly creep in. Because sex isn’t just about sex — it’s about intimacy, identity, image, and relationship.

Negative thoughts and beliefs signal danger to our body. When we don’t pay attention and manage the thoughts that run in our head, the body literally lives in fear, responding by shutting down non-essential systems, including sex organs.

Beliefs translate into a body response, and it quickly becomes a vicious cycle. When we believe we’re in danger, our bodies close up. When we believe we’re not worth pleasure, our bodies tighten. When we tighten and it hurts, we create more self-doubt and fears.

The key here is not to ignore the fear — it’s there to protect you. Underneath the fear and the negative self-talk are real emotions — of sadness, disappointment and anger.

When I work with clients, we pay attention to what is happening and cultivate the inner wise voice inside, the one who knows what’s right for you. We ask “what do you want?” and listen carefully to the answer. We make “her” louder, so the fear can no longer derail her.

When a woman honors her emotions and connects to herself, uncensored, her body relaxes, opens up and melts.

3. Speak up

It’s not uncommon that the places where we’ve stopped listening to our bodies are also the places where we went silent.

And that silence — and the loss of intimacy — leads to the loss of safety in the relationship, which often has the body shut down further.

Women need safety to open our bodies — both physically and emotionally — to let our partners in. And we don’t take this seriously enough.

From asking to slow down, to guiding your partner to what your body needs, to saying ‘no’ to what doesn’t feel good — speaking up restores our power to honor and respect our body, creating deeper inner connection, relaxation and joy.

Painful intercourse is a mutual problem. When women bring in and involve their partners in finding solutions, intimacy grows, bringing couples not only pain-free sex, but an intimate connection that creates closeness, pleasure and joy.

Nana Kwame Buabeng - || Editor Xbitgh.Com || - || 2016 Best Blogger Nominee at Ghana Blogging and Social Media Awards|| - || A student of life || - || Social Media Enthusiast||

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” I Cheat Because I Have 9 Inches Pen!s And My Wife Can’t Take It,So She’s Always Crying When I Want To Do The Distin”—25 Married Men Tell Why They Cheat



25 Married Men Tell Why They Cheat

After releasing what many viewed as the most shocking confessions of cheating Ghanaian married women, David Papa Bondze-Mbir, has published the confessions of married men titled the “Naked Queens”.


  1. “Dave, this whole cheating thing erh, it’s not like it’s our fault oh… Charley, the thing feels WRONG, but at the same time, it feels GOOD!”

  2. “I’m Nine (9) inches long, thick and wide. She can’t seem to take all of me inside her. And, she was a virgin when we married. We’ve tried everything to enable her enjoy sex with me, but she’s always in pain and bruises. Anytime I want sex, she’d be in tears. I don’t know for how long this marriage to her may last, because I love sex, rough sex, and she’s too ‘green’ slow and ‘godly’ for my liking. I want a wife at home, and a ‘slut’ in the bedroom. She’s too much of a wife for me, and she can’t seem to find her balance. It turns me off. That’s why I’ve been cheating.”

  3. “My wife’s Church was organizing a couples retreat, and one of her Church-member friends, made a pass at me, and slept with me the following week. She is married too. I did feel guilty but I don’t think I slept with her because I wasn’t happy in my marriage… Nah, far from it. Wife and I are very cool. These things just happen every now and then.”

  4. “I suck at confrontation. The relationship wasn’t working. She knew, yet kept hoping things could change. I wasn’t interested anymore, so I cheated my way out of it.”

  5. “Being with my wife now, honestly, feels like she doesn’t really care about my emotional needs or what’s happening with me on a daily basis anymore. That’s why I had to find someone else who appeared more interested and excited about me.”

  6. “Wife is lazy in bed. When it comes to sex, I’m an action movies. She’s into drama. Sexually, we are not compatible.”


  1. “I’ve been married for 11 years. I am in love with my wife. I love my family, however, when the opportunity knocks, my zip ought to come down. It’s a man’s thing. Thank you.”


  1. “I am 49 years old, and I think I feel like an ‘old’ man when I am with my wife. The ‘Me’ I know used to love life. I loved adventure, fun, and the challenge. I am cheating because this side-attraction, knows how to make me feel young. It’s like, I’m at my prime age again – when I’m with her.”


  1. “I love being given blowjobs. I love going down on women, ‘Anotafrebomski’. My wife wouldn’t give me blowjobs because she finds it disgusting. She would rush me to penetrate her when I would want to go down, take time to explore and play with her ‘punaana’. I’m cheating because she doesn’t excite me. Outsiders do.”


  1. “My relationship was going rather too fast for me. I wanted to go out and see the world, before saying “Forsaking all others…” And I sowed my wild oats, before settling down. A blast from the past showed up at my office – and I couldn’t just let her go liadat! That was when I started cheating on my wife.”


  1. “I cheat because I am not born to be with just one woman. It’s not right!”


  1. “A job opportunity came my way after being home for over Three (3) years. I did not really look into the specifics of the job because I was eager to start doing something. The friend who introduced me to the job assured me that I qualified. All they needed was a full photo of me and my CV. I got to the interview, only to find out it was a fertility-kind-of clinic, which had other chain of businesses operating, on the same building, as cover-ups.

We were supposed to be ‘baby making machines’ for a monthly salary of a few thousands of GHs plus bonuses. I was given a car, a cover-up office, and my main office, which had a bedroom, toilet and bath, a kitchen, and a hall. Customers would just profile us, and then choose whom to ‘work’ with. A customer may choose to go the natural way, or I wank and cum into a container for it to be inseminated in them. So far, I am fathering over 29 kids. And most of my customers preferred natural intercourse until they took seed.

All my customers are married women whose husbands are, or may be impotent. I’ve also had customers who just preferred a certain gene to father their kids – instead of their husband’s gene. The woman I am sleeping with currently is my wife’s friend, who paid for our services, and chose me to work on her. She got pregnant, but afterwards, threatened to blackmail me to my wife, if I did not build a sexual relationship with her. We’ve been dating for over Four (4) years now, and my wife nor her husband have a clue. I have fallen in love with her over time, so you could say I am in love with two women. She helped me find a new job.”

  1. “My girlfriend finds me attractive; my wife doesn’t: At least, not anymore.”


  1. “So why do we men really cheat? Well, I am newly married, a month old to be precise. I remember vividly those days when I frequent David Mbir’s page to glimpse on what marriage was all about. And it was just one word I could use to describe it then: SCARY. So back to the question. I’ll use those days when I was dating as an example. The lady I dated prior to the woman I married gave me a sour relationship. I almost forgot “the how” and “the feeling” and “the sparks” being in a relationship. It got to a point where I began to see her as my sister hence not attractive.

To paint a better picture; we couldn’t even last 10 seconds in kissing not to even talk about hugging and squeezing and caressing. When I initiate, she will push me away. It was like we were having Sumo Wrestling in bed just trying to have one-dying-kiss. When I asked her why she does that; she will say to me that she doesn’t trust me. She said it was because of her past lover who had his way with her by spiking her drink which I felt sorry for her. And so I was in this relationship for Three (3) years hoping things will change, hoping she will be exciting, hoping she will be spontaneous, hoping she will crave for my hotness in her wetness.

I am the kind of guy that get emotional with words. I enjoy naughty conversation. So as a consolation, I frequently used to initiate sex chat with her hoping that could trigger some nerve in her body. But when I start, she would use a detour to come out. Or there were some days that she would gel well into the idea of us to be intimate but when we finally see then she switched back into a Sumo Wrestler. So I cried to my wife (then my friend) and somehow, someway, we met and we enjoyed every bit of it. That sensation chasing a fresh fish in the sea.

That usual constant checking ups. Something was borne out of our friendship into love. And when I finally had the chance to kiss her after we watched a movie at the mall. I felt goosebumps on her arms. My wife was practically trembling with just my kiss. I felt special. My ego boosted. I wanted to have more. I wanted a woman that appreciates my kiss, my touch, my cuddling. Dave, it was then I knew I had wasted three years of my life. So Yes! I cheated but I don’t regret.”


  1. “Weight is an issue for me. If she hadn’t gained so much weight.”


  1. “Dave, I don’t know if mine is cheating though: I enjoy sexting and flirting online only. There is no harm in that, is there? After all, I don’t meet up with any of these women in person. In fact, to me, it’s just a game.”


  1. “I lost my job a few years back. Staying at home doing nothing, applying for jobs and not getting any – left me depressed and frustrated. I found myself drinking more than usual, and some of these girls at these bars are to die for, Dave. I ‘died’ for a few.”


  1. “I’ve been attracted to the same-sex for as long as I can remember. I married a woman to fit the ‘manly’ role society has created for men. Do I love my wife? No! Do I love my kids? Yes! Am I in love with my gay partner (who is also married with kids)? Yes! I am very much in love with him. We are able to make time to be with each other, many times in a week. And because we are also both friends with the other’s significant other, we are able to be together in each other’s home, when our wives are away. It’s been 25 years of knowing my male partner. I’ve been married to my wife for 12 years.”


  1. “Sex in the morning, sex in the evening and sex at dawn is what keeps me sane every day. I want it every day, so when I was getting less than I knew I was entitled to, at home, in our forth month of marriage, I had to seek for it out there… And I got it in abundance.”


  1. “Social media makes me sin. When a fine girl reaches out to me on Facebook, or WhatsApp’s something sexy (photo/nasty sentences, etc.) I go with the flow. I used to ‘fight’ it, so I stay faithful to my wife, but Dave, the means to enable me cheat are just there – in my home. Technology cause ‘am.”

  2. “I cheated because I became too used to my wife. I needed something different, something fresh.”


  1. I recently had a baby girl with my friend. We met through an assignment. She is divorced and is leading a very comfortable life. I hit on her because she is matured, single and wanted to have a baby. We hit it out because of our common interest: I have been married for Eight (8) years without children. I wanted kids too, but my wife kept experiencing miscarriages upon miscarriages. We even lost a baby twice. I felt her womb wasn’t receptive, so I tried it with my friend and I got the package in Nine (9) months. Healthy baby girl. The most beautiful little thing I have ever seen. We are already having talks about having a boy next year.”


  1. “My wife wanted me to find a substitute to relieve her off her sexual duties. She began to find making love with me a chore. She was okay with me finding one lady to sleep with till her mojo re-activated. It’s been Eight (8) months now.”


  1. “First, it was the lump in my wife’s breast. Then, the bloody nipple discharge. The inverted nipple, the dimpling of the breasts skin, the pains she felt every time I accidently touched her breasts during sex. I am attracted to a woman more because of her breasts. So if all of a sudden, your once fully equipped wife, begins to feel a sore in her nipple, her lymph nodes in the neck and armpit look swollen, sex becomes almost impossible. I had to look the other way. Now, her breast has been removed. Nothing on her attracts me anymore. It’s just the truth.”


  1. “My wife pissed me off in the most humiliating way, and she wasn’t willing to apologize. I had an affair to punish her; to hurt her real bad… And, I made sure she knew about it. Sometimes, women need to submit, and know who the man of the house is.”


  1. “Dave, even though my wife and I have been through a lot in this 18 years of marriage, with my countless messing ups, having numerous affairs due to the distance (Family is in Kumasi, I work in Accra), I know I love my wife with everything in me. Together with our Three (3) kids may not be perfect, but we are everything as a family. Distance is the main reason I am cheating on her. When I used to work in Kumasi, I was faithful. When I was promoted and transferred to Accra, we all couldn’t move to Accra: Kids were in school there, she had a business to sustain there, etc. So we agreed on the weekends visitations. And it’s unfortunate I can’t go three days without sex.”

From the inbox of David Papa Bondze-Mbir’s Facebook page.

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